


The Shoreless Sea

by Shadow_Belle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-04
Updated: 2011-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-25 17:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Belle/pseuds/Shadow_Belle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And she felt that kiss like a brand. Every second, each nuance, his very essence was scored into her heart. She knew this would be the last for them. It was a death of a sort, dying dreams, fading memories, and a fire that would burn on impossible hope… Nothing for them, but still, each bit that she could hoard away, each touch that she could wrap up; that birthday gift that would never come. Even the way the damp grass felt beneath her feet was something for her to keep close, this would be her place to go when Lucius took what he’d bought."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shoreless Sea

_And the sky might catch on fire and burn the axis of the world…_

I.

The shadows fell softly as the brilliant oranges and purples of dusk were faded by the coming night.

A silent figure made his way through those shadows, seeming to become a part of the night itself. But he stopped just outside the great house that he’d known as a child. That brick and mortar held no comfort for him now, not since he’d betrayed them and their Merlin-damned blood purity.

The moon hung, a sliced crescent, in the ever darkening sky. Her kiss fell, a goblet of stars spilled over his pale, chiseled features. His eyes, dark and fathomless, glittered in the reflective light.

She would come.

The candle in her window flickered like a secret smile, an invitation.

Sirius flicked a small pebble at that dancing flame, hoping that she would hear it ricochet off of the leaded glass. He didn’t dare magic, the wards were sensitive and even the hint of power would raise the alarm. And no one could ever know.

They’d been doomed since the first time their eyes had met with secret longing, since the first time their fingers had touched, the first time their lips burned…

Memories washed over him like a benediction.

It’d been her cotillion. She’d been in all white, her perfect platinum hair hung down around her waist in a waterfall of silky curls. Her beautiful skin, porcelain perfection, and her mouth, Merlin, her mouth. Innocence and damnation had twined themselves into a poison across those lips. Her dress, it clung to her body like the lover she had yet to know. His mouth had gone dry at the scent of her, honeysuckle and jasmine; then when she’d moved into his arms for that obligatory dance…

That moment had tilted his world on an axis of fire; the flame consuming all that it touched.

His hands slid down the costly material of that damned dress, stopping just at the dip of her lower back where her skin was bare to his heat.

She’d gasped delicately in his ear, and leaned into him, her breath warm and quick in his ear. Her hands had slid across the breadth of his shoulders.

“Meet me.” she’d whispered.

And he knew then, that her honeyed voice could beckon him to Hell and he would follow.

 

 _This is all I want to feel tonight, tonight and the rest of my life…_

II.

A young witch scanned the nightscape, searching with desperation for her forbidden lover. Despair clawed at hope. She would have to tell him tonight.

She would have to tell him, the man that she’d dreamed of for all these years; that he must go away and never return to her. That she must not taste his lips again, must not rest in the sanctuary of his arms. That she must rip her heart from her chest and fling it far from her, never to think of it again.

Her marriage had been arranged, Narcissa’s mother had told her today with bright eyes and a wide smile.

And her husband was a powerful wizard, aligned with forces that they dare not oppose. A good match for her, for the family.

It was how such things were done for those of her blood.

And it made her wish suddenly, that she was the poorest of beggars. In a single moment, she would have traded her big house on the hill, her expensive clothes, even her pure blood to be with Sirius Black. To belong to him body and soul for the whole of her life…

She sighed. There was nothing to trade for that, because it had already come to pass. It didn’t matter whose children she bore, how long she spent in her husband’s arms, her heart would always belong to Sirius.

The first touch of his mouth to hers had been an apocalypse. It had doomed them both. Narcissa remembered how that fire shot through her, how she’d clung to him shamelessly, begging him to be first, to make her his.

And oh, how noble he’d been. He hadn’t wanted to ruin her, but it was the only thing that she had to give that was hers. Ever the gallant knight.

She’d tangled her fingers in his long hair, that mane that was a blanket of night across her eyes, wrapped it around her fists and demanded that he give her what she wanted.

If only she’d known who Lucius was that day in the tea house. She’d have been meek, mealy-mouthed. She would have pulled her hair in front of her face, would have trembled before him like some great stage actress. But she’d shown him no fear, no compromise, only a frigid correctness. And he’d been taken with her. He wanted her.

Lucius Malfoy always got what he wanted.

Old money and old blood. It was all that mattered. And an alliance with the Malfoys, her father had been thrilled at the prospect. Any hope of Sirius’ suit…

Not that it mattered. Not now. He’d spoken against the blood.

A tap on her window startled Narcissa from her melancholy.

It was him!

Her heart leapt, a thousand butterfly wings beat against her chest.

And for a moment, she imagined running away with him. How romantic it would be, to suffer together. To sacrifice family and home, status and comfort, only to be together.

But it would be signing his death warrant. Lucius and those he’d already aligned with would hunt her gallant knight down like a beast…

Narcissa crept through the darkness down into the courtyard and fell into her lover’s arms.

“Gods, ‘Cissa. I can’t breathe without you.” He buried his face in her hair, slid his hands along the contours of her body.

She didn’t trust her voice, but they didn’t need words. Narcissa arched into him, her fingers spreading across his shoulders as she surrendered to his strength.

His lips trailed from the graceful arch of her neck to her lips.

And she felt that kiss like a brand. Every second, each nuance, his very essence was scored into her heart. She knew this would be the last for them. It was a death of a sort, dying dreams, fading memories, and a fire that would burn on impossible hope… Nothing for them, but still, each bit that she could hoard away, each touch that she could wrap up; that birthday gift that would never come. Even the way the damp grass felt beneath her feet was something for her to keep close, this would be her place to go when Lucius took what he’d bought.

Narcissa wanted him to take her hard and fast, to pound his body into hers, to make her forget everything else, to punish her for being too weak to defy everything for love. But she wanted him slow and steady as well, to make these moments last as long as they could…

She turned her head as her eyes filled with tears, she couldn’t let him see.

Her hands slipped beneath his robes, but he caught her wrists.

“Where can we go?” His voice was harsh, his breathing ragged. “I won’t risk getting caught here, it would go badly for you.”

He had no idea how badly. Her parents thought her a virgin, her husband-to-be thought her a virgin as well. A privilege that he’d paid for mightily. But it didn’t matter. Not tonight…

All that mattered was this.

Her mouth met his hungrily and she struggled to pull him down into the sweet spring grasses. Narcissa’s breathing was erratic. “Right here, please.”

“Woman, you tempt me, but I want you until the dawn.”

She nodded, she couldn’t deny him this. Narcissa took his hand and led him to the pool house. It was dark there, and her mother had included silencing wards that were part of general security. A trysting place…

“We could leave tonight.” He whispered against her mouth.

“Shh. Don’t talk. Just love me.”

Sirius pushed her hard up against the back of the door. She raised her leg and wrapped it around his hip; his hands were rough on her soft skin as he tore off her knickers with a single motion, a growl low in his throat.

She tangled her fingers in the length of his raven hair, pulling brutally. It inflamed him further, as she knew it would.

He entered her with no ceremony, no gentle caresses or words of forever.

Narcissa gasped at the sheer intensity, the impossible fullness. And she knew that after tonight, emptiness would be a constant companion. She clung to him all the tighter, as if by holding him there to her now, it could stave off the inevitable.

She loved the way she could feel his body laboring to bring her pleasure, the way his muscles rippled beneath her touch, the way his mouth was always hot and demanding. Narcissa arched into that promise of bliss, that petite mort that was waiting for her.

And it would be more than a little death; it would be the death of her soul. She was giving it to him now, with every touch, every kiss, every whisper. Maybe if she could fill him up with only her, maybe part of her could live.

He slipped his hand between them to bring her off as he came, but she stopped his hand. She didn’t want that kind of pleasure to overrun the memory, to spill out and fade the details that she’d worked so hard to hold on to.

Sirius didn’t question her, but found his own pleasure in her willing body.

Then they fell to the divan, both breathless. He kissed the top of her head softly.

“What’s wrong, Narcissa?”

She was silent.

“What’s happened?”

As she vowed not to cry, she realized the only way to keep him safe, was to hurt him. He would say let them all be damned. He’d die to be with her. And she just couldn’t let him.

“I’ve accepted Lucius Malfoy’s proposal.”

“We’re leaving tonight. We can go…”

She pressed her fingers against his lips to silence him.

“No. It’s for the best.”

Then, she did the hardest thing that she thought she’d ever have to do. She pulled away from him for what she knew to be the last time. Narcissa stood with a straight spine and tried to hide the shaking in her fingers as she straightened her clothes.

“I don’t understand.” Sirius’ voice was preternaturally calm.

“I think you do. This was fun. But now it’s over. I am marrying Lucius Malfoy.”

“You’re a cold bitch. I would have died for you and it meant nothing?”

But it was everything. And he waited for her acknowledge it, for some glance, some gesture…

She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak, not with the lie on her tongue.

Even as he turned his back on her and walked out the door, she kept her silence. It wasn’t until she knew he was long gone that she managed a choked whisper.

“I’m not cold, I’m broken.”

 

 _Down to the earth I fell, with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly…_

III.

Narcissa Malfoy sat like a statue in the lush gardens of Malfoy Manor. She’d come to a decision.

She was leaving Lucius.

Her son was not going to grow up to be a monster. Draco needed a good man to raise him. He needed his father.

A faint smile crossed her hard and icy features at the thought of her son, of all that he could be.

Yes, he’d been born prematurely, or so Lucius had thought. Blond, arctic perfection, a recessive trait in the Black family tree. A fact which she’d kept handy through the whole of her pregnancy, should Draco have been born with Sirius’ dark hair.

Her things were packed. She was only waiting for Sirius to come and collect her.

Merlin, he was coming. It had been so long and he was still coming…

She’d thought she’d done the right thing all those years ago, protecting him. But he would have protected her. He would have killed Lucius, dark powers or no. But she’d been so young and afraid. Afraid of life, afraid of death…

They would finally be together after so many wasted years…

And in those wasted years, just as she knew she would, Narcissa thought only of him when Lucius touched her.

A hesitant cough behind her made her turn.

It was Lucius. “You won’t be going, my dear.”

“And who’s going to stop me?” Her tone was chilly and correct.

“Not me. But you’ve nowhere to go now. Sirius is dead.”

“If you think that I believe anything that comes out of your double-hinged mouth, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“As you will. Though you could ask your sister. He died by her wand.” He gave her a malicious smile.

Narcissa could see the truth gleaming in his eyes like a rare jewel. And if she could have willed her heart to stop at that very moment, she would have.

But instead the warmth fled and ice crept into her veins, her perfect veneer never cracking.

“Ah well. I suppose it really is for the best.” She could taste her lie like a belladonna kiss.

“It really is. After all, it would have vexed me greatly to have to chase you now.”

“Would you have chased me, Lucius?” Narcissa asked him.

He eyed her appreciatively. “Of course I would have…This isn’t about that Parkinson girl is it?”

“Certainly not. She’s plump and awkward. Shag her all you like.” She looked down her nose at him. “I want an increase in my monthly stipend.”

The lies were ash now, filling her mouth, acrid and despairing.

Lucius laughed, and it was a cold, terrible sound. “Anything you wish, my love.”

He offered her his arm, and when she took it, the last of her innocence withered.

Sirius Black had not died alone.

There had been another Narcissa deep inside, beneath the many layers of practiced propriety. She’d been ready to live, ready to peel away the artifice, but her heart had been torn out and she’d died unknown and un-mourned.

 

***Song Lyrics From Tonight and the Rest of My Life by Nina Gordon


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